Chapter 30
It's Thursday evening, 6:08 PM, and I'm nestled on the couch, trying to make sense of the jumble of thoughts swirling in my head. Upstairs, my daughter is glued to the "new" Trolls movie on Netflix, while fish sticks sizzle in the oven. A wave of mom guilt washes over me—I can't help but wonder what exactly is in her dinner (which is another blog post within itself) and how much time I have before rushing out to pick up my son from football practice (seriously, why are we even doing this again?!).
Parenthood is a constant dance of timing, isn't it? Trying to ensure my daughter is fed and bathed before focusing solely on my son before bed. It's a little easier when she's all set and it's just him. After that, I whip up a bedtime snack, make sure they pray together, and someday, I'll find a way to implement reading before bed. Kudos to all the parents who tackle this every day!
My mind races with a constant mental checklist: what needs to be done, how my faith is growing, whether I've read and prayed enough today. Will this endless worrying ever stop? I'm learning to breathe, to cling to the idea of grace, but it's a struggle. It's hard to grasp that God loves me infinitely, despite my mistakes, baggage, and imperfections. Honestly, it's a mind-boggling thought.
When I pray, I can't help but imagine a little conversation with God, nervously kicking imaginary pebbles as I say, "Hey there, it's me again..." Yeah, that's the vibe lately! LOL. But seriously, I'm worn out. My brain is exhausted, and I desperately crave some peace and quiet from all these racing thoughts.
This summer, I had a cancer scare, and I'm still grappling with the fear and anxiety that lingers from the experience. But by the grace of God, I'm healed. There's no cancer. Our pastor recently had a guest speaker who described how the devil can leave a stench like a skunk—you might panic thinking the skunk is still in your backyard, but it's really just the residual smell. That's what I'm dealing with right now.
As I'm typing this, I paused to fix my daughter's plate. Heading to the table, I noticed two bubble marks on our fairly new dining table. What in the world? I'm not even mentioning this to my husband, hopefully, he doesn't notice. Just one more thing to worry about.
My slightly burnt fish sticks (which were really just crispy, but my daughter sees any crunch as burnt) are met with the inevitable "say thank you." "Excuse me?" I reply. "Umm, I helped you put the plate down," she says. I just give her ‘the stare’ which suggests not right now, my nerves are bad. I respond, "Say your prayers."
She smiles innocently and says, "Thank you," launching into her prayers. I usually try to give them a protein, yogurt, and fruit for dinner. Whether they eat it all is a gamble, of course! But on the day I don't have any fruit, guess what? My daughter asks, "Mom, where's my fruit?" LOL. Of course, you'd want it today! I tell her we're out of fruit and bribe her with some mango sorbet if she finishes her fish sticks and yogurt.
At 30, I envisioned life looking so different. I watch my kids and see all this potential, a clean slate to explore life, learn from it, and hopefully dodge the mistakes I made growing up. Honestly, I feel like I'm still in that process of growing up. I have so much left to learn and do.
I sat down tonight hoping to find something profound to share, but LOL, I'm at a standstill. Almost a year ago, God whispered the name "Serenity From Christ" into my heart, but I kind of just sat on it. Recently, at church, a stranger approached me—someone I didn't even know—and told me that the Holy Spirit was nudging her to share something with me.
To be completely honest, I was a bit nervous, but open to hearing what she had to say. She mentioned something only I knew: I journal my prayers. And then came the kicker—she said God wanted me to share what I've been jotting down in those journals. My first thought? Okay, God, how much are we talking about here? Whole life story? All the embarrassing, happy, sad, frustrated, and cheerful moments? What about the inevitable judgment? The fear of exposure?
But here I am, feeling the nudge to follow through on what He's called me to do. So, let's do this! I welcome you to join me as I share my past, present, and future, along with all the things in between—including the prayers that have found their way into my journals. Together, let's explore this journey of faith and grace! :)
